a very real birthday list
hello to my 4 subscribers, those of you who fell for the link in my story, my ex-best friend’s husband who hates me, and my neighbor who liked all my bikini pics and now has to dodge me in the hallway, the time has come.
i am turning [redacted] age between August 23 - Sept 22 AKA Virgo season. Naturally, i’ve assembled a list of demands.
if i have ever contributed to your general happiness by way of: a gift, an lol, attending your group hang, or if i let you see my b**bs in the past decade (jordan, chris, dylan, etc.), you owe me.
*i should clarify before we go further that i expect everything to be purchased or there will be hell to pay—if hell is me continuing to live life normally and do this every year forward, until my last breath.
if you do not know my address and want it to be a lil surprise please ask Ivy Tang. She can keep a secret, her Instagram is public, and she is much nicer than me.
**Disclaimer: all i want for my birthday (beyond this list!!!!!!) is for the people i like (8 of you) to be rich and hot 4ever, and for everyone i don’t like (an extensive list that we should talk about one day), to accidentally find themselves stuck in a parking garage for 3-4 days so y’all have some time to think and find God :)
anyways if you wanna make the list of people i like, buy me a damn 4-day stay at an Aman resort and stfu.
without further insanity:
A city bus tour (day)
Flowers (ranunculus, anemones, or peonies plz)
This bag that Kanye gifted Kimberley back in 2013. DM her, do what you must, it can not go to North
My daily lil Dr. Dennis Gross peels
A cameo from any member of the Jersey Shore, just not Ronnie. i’m so serious, i’ll take Angelena’s first husband Chris, but i will curse your home if it’s Ron
For my spin instructor Matt to not be mad at me for skipping class for months so I can take my 250th ride in peace
This archive Adam Selman “Spoiled” long sleeve that i think about every 48 hours but is never avail
For me to reprise the role of idiot neighbor played by Casey Wilson in Gone Girl
This hat
This simple noahnoahnoah necklace
This good charlotte shirt
A reading from one of TLC’s network of mediums/psychics.
This insane massage
This insane facial
This skims pj set that i have in black so don’t even think about that colourway, size M
This perfect bag
Classes to barry’s or lagree
This discontinued officialseanpenn mug. DO NOT attempt to be cute and re-make it. one of my brothers tried that back in 2018 and it went directly into the trash
Specifically for Nezarial, fancy pasta. if you’re not Nez, move along
A membership to any tennis club in the tri-state area that is not waitlisted for the next 30 years
Access to my old Gymnastics gym so I can spend the day disappointing my former self
This chamberlain vessel
A ticket to a watch what happens live taping
This jacket size 2
File under the elusive: to not have seen my fav barista wearing a fedora with his exposed toes—so a lobotomy
a 4-day stay to any Aman resort